ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
