Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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