Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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