you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
