He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
