Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Randomize
