go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
