I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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