My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
