the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
