First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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