wanna go halves on a baby?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I believe in your delicious
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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