we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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