She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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