Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
All I want is dick and wine.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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