trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
