Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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