Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
