as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We need a shit load of segways right now
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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