Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
