i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
