So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
