Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
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Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
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I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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