I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
