Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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