hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
