Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
