Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
