A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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