somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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