so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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