dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I need to sanitize my soul.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
