I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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