Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
