If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
