I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
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