he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
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i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
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Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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