When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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