i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
