Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
