Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
and you said cock pushups were impossible
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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