i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
