If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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