Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
