My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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