Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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