I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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