Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
