birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
