no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
