Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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