You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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