I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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