I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
